Hand Warmer Company Introduces Jumbo People-Sized Warmer To Stick On Skiers

Hand warmers have released a new jumbo warmer ranging from 4-6 feet in height (size small-large) that provides full body warmth and just sticks right onto skiers like a glue stick.

“We pride ourselves on finding a solution that keeps skiers warm head to toe and reduces waste of individual hand warmers,” said hand warmer CEO Flames Ritz as he modeled the gingerbread man-shaped warmer waddling around like he was a starched cookie that just left the pan.

The company also wants to clarify that the phrase “hot bod” on their packaging is meant to refer to the hot warming that it provides and is not calling skiers “hot bods”, and that would be a whole separate thing.

The jumbo body warmer can be purchased at lodge facilities, and assembly requires at least one person adhering the warmer to skiers’ backsides like they are velcroing a giant rug.

CEO Flames Ritz was seen walking around the lodge with the body warmer placed on his backside moving with limited flexibility before he leaned up against a wall for balance and was quickly lifted and placed into a rolling hamper by cleaning staff after being mistaken for a crisp towel.

"Who Are We Without Snow?!" Ski Town Suffers Existential Crisis After Snow Melt

Nearby ski town, Alpine Meadow, is undergoing a complete existential crisis after all the snow melted, leaving the town completely barren, with skis blowing across once snow-covered alleyways like tumbleweeds.

“Once the last pile of snow melted, it was game over,” said a visitor who tried delicately not to rattle the residents sense of existence. “The snow was there one minute, then the next poof, it melted faster than ice cream on a skillet,” continued the visitor as residents listened on in disbelief as they were seen fashioning a snowman out of pebbles.

In a last-ditch effort to evolve for summer, the town’s sign, Alpine Meadows “The Best Ski Town In The State”, was altered with paint to read “The Best Skidaddle Town In The State”.

The visitor continued saying, “it was clear they tried to improvise the town name and alter the word ski which just made it more awkward for everyone as we all had to ask what skidaddle was.”

Residents were seen attempting to ski on grass as they continued adapting to the summer months ahead completely denying to themselves that there was no snow left in town.

Resort Crafting "Ski-Dirondack" Chairs Out of Skis Like They're Popsicle Sticks

In a scene that rattled skiers and boarders alike, resort inn employees were seen snapping skis and snowboards apart to assemble a ski-dirondack chair like they were .10 cent popsicle sticks from the craft store.

“Skis really do make the perfect chairs,” said an employee before taking a hammer to a snowboard and fashioning it into an ottoman for the chair as skiers and boarders looked on in horror, grasping their gear as they watched skis of all sizes be snapped to shreds like matchsticks.

“I definitely didn’t feel safe walking by with my skis," said a group of locals as the worker eyed the brand new twin tips they were carrying like they would make the perfect armrests for a chair.

The employees were seen making a full “Ski-Dirondack” area with a whole set of chairs and a fence assembled from skis and snowboards that left resort visitors feeling “a bit uneasy”.