Skier Goes Bonkers When “Opening Day” Flyer Released

Local skier, Larry Mittens, has gone completely bonkers after the mountain released their annual “Opening Soon!” flyer, sans date.

“I was driving through Powder Pass when I got the notification on my phone, at which point, my trusted dog, Biscuit, took the wheel while I checked the flyer,” said Larry as a tow truck pulled his vehicle out of a slope side bramble bush.

“There’s no opening date, what gives? What are they playing hard to get or something?” he pressed as his dog Biscuit hopped in the driver’s seat and drove off without him.

“I’m on edge, you know? The mountain could open any minute, and I have no ski gear on me,” continued Larry while his dog gunned it to get first chair before he was cut off by a swarm of skiers rioting outside the lodge chanting “Let us in!”

Mountain Will Open For The Season When It Feels Like It

Against rising pressure to release opening dates, the mountain has announced it will open when it feels like it.

“It could be on a Monday, Sunday, Thursday, Wednesday. During October, September, December, anytime, anyplace,” said mountain staff as anxious skiers sat on the edge of their seats in full ski gear waiting to hear the opening date. “It could be on the 8th, 17th, 21st, maybe even the 1st!”

“It could be during the wee hours of the night, at dusk, or dawn, or perhaps during lunchtime. It’s just whenever we feel like it. Stay tuned.”

“Ahh Yes, Follow The Arrow” Still Best Way To Navigate With Compass

Expert navigators have released new data that following the arrow is still the best way to navigate with a compass.

Hikers should be looking at the compass and following the path the arrow points in. They are continually advised against going in the opposite direction.

“Follow the arrow. When the arrow settles its spin, go ahead and follow,” said mountain patrol Chester Williams as he updated safety protocols to include “follow arrow” on all compass trail guides.

“The arrow points in the direction of the direction to go, and one should always be prepared to follow that arrow when looking at a compass,” continued Chester as he grasped at straws when someone asked where the arrow actually points to.

“I mean, it’s a compass, so it points North somewhere, which is…northerly from where you’re standing. Which is always the right direction.”

Literally Everything Riding On El Niño

Mountain employees admit “literally everything riding on El Niño,” as they prepare for this coming season.

“I’ll be honest, everything, everything is riding on El Niño, and El Niño better deliver,” said mountain ops as they looked up what El Niño is.

“We expect hundreds of feet of snow, and El Niño is going to bring it,” continued staff as they cheered on El Niño patterns on the weather channel like they were watching a sports race.

“El Niño will be the best thing to happen to this resort since 80’s Day last year. Now, we wait.”