Ski Boundary Pushed To Include New Microbrewery In Town

In a last-minute adjustment to the mountain ski boundary map, a red line has been penned in to include a new microbrewery in town, Flannel Beer Factory.

“Well, it was just a given,” said Tad Winters as he took a Sharpie and drew a dotted line around the microbrewery, “it was sitting in what was really no man’s land, so it was the perfect opportunity to place it in bounds. Now it's ours!”

Riders must ski off a five-hundred-foot cliff and over a crevasse to access the brewery, but other than that, it is technically marked within ski boundaries on the maps Tad has access to.

New State-Of-The-Art Lift Installation Will Feature Recliners, Ottomans

As the season comes to a close, the mountain announced a new lift will be constructed on the east face of the mountain, ready for next season, and will feature recliners and ottomans, hoping to give skiers and boarders a state-of-the-art ride up the mountain.

The lift will feature six high-speed recliners per chair with settings that let riders choose a mid-recline, full recline, or a nap recline, which places skiers in a supine position with a blanket.

The lifts will also include ottomans where skiers and boarders can place their feet up, gear included.

Installation will begin in the summer months at a cost of $17 billion, with the first couple of weeks dedicated to fabric selection, and with plans to be the first recliner operating chair in the world at the start of next season.

Mountain Rebranding To Mountain For Summer

The mountain is currently undergoing a rebranding operation, going from a winter mountain to a summer mountain, reminding guests that it’s still very much a mountain during summer.

“We want to remind our guests that we are still a mountain, so we plan to post pictures of the mountain highlighting different parts of the mountain so people don’t forget it’s still a mountain,” said the mountain social media intern as he posted a picture of the mountain captioned “the mountain is still here after all the snow melt!”

“The worst thing that can happen during the warmer months is people forget the 16,000-foot mountain blocking their view down the highway is still a mountain, so reminding them at all costs is really important so they come back to ski at the mountain next year.”

Ski Boot Requires Skiers To Be Jacked With Mega Muscles to Buckle Boot

As a general public service announcement, ski boot companies want to remind riders that they should be bench pressing 300-700 lbs in order to buckle their ski boots with relative ease.

Without the proper mega muscles, getting the last buckle to clasp on a boot will remain a feat of epic proportions, warned ski boot companies. Skiers should doing deadlifts, bench presses, and towing trucks by rope to build the amount of muscle needed to clasp a buckle without breaking a sweat.

Companies advise skiers to use the off-season to build their reps to buckle their boots like they are snapping a coat button. Skiers’ arms should look like Popeye the sailor man’s triceps and be able to break a boot in half if they need to.